Zully Quirke // → Natalie

I wish I was someone who could be loved

I wish I wasn't still so full of hate

I don't know where to put it

It still hurts. It feels like everything in my life has gotten worse. Maybe it was always this bad and I was just lying to myself. Just like I was too fucking stupid to realize I'm not the kind of person who gets to be loved like that

It's now been ten years, I realize, since I was in a relationship with anyone who loved or wanted me. And I wasted four of those years thinking I was. I'm so fucking stupid.

I still cry and I still grieve the life we were going to have, but I also feel rage. I've never felt this much rage before. I hate feeling this. I oscillate between crying, white-hot hatred and feeling nothing at all. I practice what I'd say to her if I ever saw her, but of course she's a coward so that will never happen to me.

She will never tell me why abruptly, a week after I asked for a crumb of affection, she left me so she wouldn't have to do that. She'll never tell me why what I asked for was so revolting to her that she ran away like a fucking coward.

So instead I have conversations with a ghost in my head, begging her to care. Pointless.

I can't stop thinking of things I want to show you. I was so excited to show you the mushroom prints I got at RCCC. I just saw the profile of someone who was 1000% That Kind of Bay Area person and almost pulled up discord to show you

But you don't care anymore

Maybe you never did

Its only been two days and I am already very tired of caring. I miss you.

"You'll find someone better" doesn't work when I already had exactly what I wanted.

Posting this here because I know no one (including me) reads this anymore and it will satisfy my craving to 'vent' emotions publicly without being an emotional dump on everyone.

Did I fuck up? In what way did I fuck up?

Franzi dumped me this morning. Completely out of the blue. She was moving in within the month. Signed a lease with us even. We went looking at houses and had a 4-5 year plan to buy one in Arcata. We had our first IUI to have a baby together already. She seemed excited about decorating, about building a life together.

Then I'm gone for one week and come back to two and a half paragraphs in a discord message. After three years that's all I get. Less than she writes about BTS songs. An emotionless "Whoops I guess I want to live alone actually, sorry about that" and then nothing but silence for seven hours after as I try to grapple with her casually destroying my life.

First and foremost, I guess we won't be having a kid together. Hunting down DNA profiles, going through the process of Shane offering to donate and then flaking out, hunting down lawyers, planning a baby room in our place once Acacia moved out, our first IUI appointment and pregnancy test. Picking out houses based on school districts and who our kid can play with. This person didn't even exist yet and I had no idea how much I had emotionally hanging on it. I can't help but feel like this is me losing the opportunity to have a kid ever at this point.

I really thought we were solid. Our three year anniversary was this week. For once I was completely settled, completely confident. I always felt like I could be open and honest with her, and I was. And it was good. I really thought she loved me. We weren't without our problems, but we could talk about them. I thought.

Apparently not.

Which brings me to ... why didn't she talk to me about this? At all? Am I that unapproachable? Or is she lying about the reason she's leaving me? Is it something else and she thinks she's sparing my feelings or something? She says she just wants to be alone, maybe there's someone else. I never would have thought that before. I'm not a jealous person, and I don't even feel jealous now. I just feel lied to and heartbroken.

I don't even know what I want. Half of me wants her to change her mind. The other half wants to burn all her things and never see her again. Just slice her out of my life completely so I can cauterize the chaos she so casually left me with.

I changed jobs for her. I moved up here for her. I renewed my fucking lease for her.

I put my complete emotional trust in her. And again, part of me wants to say "that was a mistake" and go back to my dumb PTSD habit of never emotionally trusting a partner again, because that feels safer. And it is. But it's also not healthy.

Being with her felt right. It just felt right. I've never had that in any other relationship before. It felt like where I was supposed to be. It still does.

Though honestly right now I just want this morning to have not happened at all. I want to go back to 12 hours ago when I knew I was loved. What a fucking moron.

So I've had this thing for forever. I really only use it to keep up with my RP characters now, but I figure I ought to update it even though no one reads these anymore so it doesn't get purged.

I'm 35 now, still living in Los Angeles. Graduated with my BA a few years ago, working on a graduate degree in International Relations. I work for NBCUniversal as a research assistant and also write stuff for money. Been doing a lot of traveling -- Iceland is up next in a couple of months.

It's weird to realize that I've been maintaining a journal for around 15 years now. Well, I say "maintaining" like I post regularly to it. But looking at my old posts feels like I'm reading entries written by a stranger. By and large I don't remember a lot of who I was back then, for a variety of reasons that are both excellent and depressing. I used a lot of kaomojis, folks.

It makes it hard to gauge how much I've "grown." I've changed as a person obviously, as most people do between the ages of 18 and 35. I miss the fearless optimism of 18 year old me, but I'm also inspired by the self-aware and significantly more confident 35 year old me.

Anyway what better way to update all two people reading this than with one of those old school "who are you?" forms:

( The lazy person's self summary )

Dear Lane Bryant,

Please stop. Just. Stop. My size system does not need to be reinvented. I do not need a scale of 1-8 with a matching color system. I don't even know what a '3 Red' IS. Now, I understand that when numbers get big, people get scared. Lord forbid someone wear a pair of pants in a size that has a number two in front of it. But really? A whole new sizing system?

How about we look at it from your point of view. Let's assume that every woman in the world is mortally afraid of the number inside her clothing (which seems to be what you're going on, so I'm rolling with it). Odds are that this is because she thinks she is fat and hideous, and putting on a pair of pants in a size 22 affirms this. So instead what you've chosen to do is force all these women into having to re-learn what their sizing is based on your system. I.E.; grabbing several pairs of pants, going into a poorly lit dressing room and squeezing into a few while going WHY AM I TOO FAT FOR THESE FML /WRIST before finding the right pair.

Women's clothing is ridiculous enough when it comes to sizing. Do kindly get out.


Regards,
Natalie

HAHA so I lost my drivers license. And my flight is next Thursday. Awesome.

This means I'm officially not going to Otakon. I have to pay off a $400 ticket on my record before I can get a replacement, which I'll be having to use my Otakon cash for. The plus side is I called my air line and hotel and they both told me what I could bring if I didn't have a passport or a license as identification. Thank god I keep a photocopy of my important documents in my file folder at work.

In other news, I......... fell asleep at 9:30pm last night. What the hell, body.

I........

.. think I might be done with friends locking everything. I'm going to start making a few of my posts public again and see how that goes.

Also, fuck you Vegas / Houston time difference. Auuugh I still have jetlag. MY BODY THINKS IT'S 1AM.