zully: ([X-Force] Rictor - WHY AM I AWAKE)
Well, really it should be "social anxiety and ME" but that doesn't sound as cool. Which really sort of sums up this post, now that I think about it.

Since my focus this year has been on taking risks, I've been learning a lot about the kinds of things that I'm afraid of. It's crazy how far our bodies and minds will go to mask fear from us, to protect us from whatever we're afraid of to such an extent that we don't even realize we have it.

I used to get really worked up when it came to specific things, mostly in high school. Having to split up into groups in class, picking out your desk on the first day, figuring out where to sit at lunch. Throughout the one year I spent in a public junior high school I ate half of my lunches in a bathroom stall just to avoid the stress and embarassment.

I've gotten rid of most of that now, but some of it's stuck around. I hate going places where I don't know anyone and they already have groups established. So the lunch thing would still panic me, but that's not so much what real life is like. Work parties did this to me, though. I hated them. I'd know one or two people there, tag along with them, and feel like an unwanted barnacle the whole time. I remember one time I snuck off to the bathroom with a book and just sat there for about half an hour.

But since I quit my office job I only really run into this in one place now -- concerts.

Concerts terrify the crap out of me.

I'm usually going to concerts on my own, so it's me and a room full of complete strangers. Strangers that have appeared inside their own social groups, strangers that are high and/or drunk or working their way there, strangers who will press up against me and get all up in my space without my okay because that's the nature of the environment. And I can't escape outside for a breath of cool air because everyone out there is always smoking and I'll smell gross/get sick (I'm allergic to tobacco smoke) and then I'll be even more miserable. I'll have no one to talk to, I'll feel awkward, I'll feel like the nerd from high school who wasn't cool enough to talk to any of these kids who look like they belong here. This has always been how I felt at concerts.

So when I was invited to one last weekend, I was really close to saying no. I would have been going by myself, to a venue I'd never been to before, for a band I'd never heard of. Then I reminded myself that I was taking risks this year and I went "what the hell" and anxiously agreed to attend. I showed up too early, because anxiety about being late to things, and I nervously sat in the car and chatted with my friends for awhile to pass the time.

I went in before anyone I knew arrived. I made small talk with random strangers. I listened to random conversations. I was awkward as hell. People I know showing up helped alleviate some of this, but I still felt very out of place. Like I didn't belong there and I should just leave, because I'm new here and don't know anything about anything going on.

And that's part of the root of it, I think. I'm afraid of looking, seeming, or being stupid. For a very long time the only thing about myself I was sure of was that I was smart, and then for a very long time I was convinced I didn't even have that. So I have this preconcieved notion that in order to be valuable I have to know a lot about most things. I can't be the new kid that doesn't know anything about what I'm doing; I have to be the expert, or the prodigy that gets it right on the first go. Otherwise what's the point in keeping me around? What do I bring to the table, really?

So I stayed for the whole concert, the whole thing. I was sort of miserable but firmly stuck to "fake it 'til you make it." I concentrated on the parts I enjoyed and tried to ignore the rest. And something miraculous happened about halfway through -- suddenly I felt like I belonged there. I felt like I was allowed to be weird because who the fuck cares? Everyone else was being weird, why not be myself? I felt like we as a group now had this shared experience through the first half of the concert, this odd little bond. If we saw each other in the grocery store and our eyes connected we could grin at each other and say "Hey, didn't I see you last weekend? Badass shirt, by the way." In other words, I started to feel more like me.

I'd probably still feel weird about going to a concert on my own, especially if it was my first go at them. But I'd be less likely to immediately reject the idea. It's not a complete victory, the bricks are still stacked up. On the other side of that wall is still a thirteen year old girl with no real friends, who's weird and kind of smart but not smart enough to be anything to anyone besides a paper to copy before class. Who doesn't know where she fits in and is convinced that if she makes herself as bland looking as possible that she'll reach her goal of becoming invisible. But it's at least recognizing that the wall's there and that the girl's wrong. It's a step.

Muse List

Aug. 25th, 2014 11:30 pm
zully: (Default)
AMATOMNES

KAYLEEFRYE

KAYLEE FRYE
( firefly )

STEVEJINKS

STEVE JINKS
( warehouse 13 )

ZOROASTER

ZOROASTER
( davinci's demons )

TIG_TRAGER

TIG TRAGER
( sons of anarchy )



HOMELESS

MARRON

MARRON GLACE
( bakuretsu hunters )

LINA_INVERSE

LINA INVERSE
( slayers )

BEASTLORDWARD

JULIE
( kate daniels series )

CLAIRE_KINCAID

CLAIRE KINCAID
( law & order )

FLYNNRIDER

FLYNN RIDER
( tangled )

SUNFIRE

MARIKO YASHIDA
( marvel exiles )

LOUISE_HARDWICH

LOUISE HARDWICH
( absolute obedience )

CAPN_JACK_H

JACK HARKNESS
( torchwood )

DR_CRIPPLE

GREGORY HOUSE
( house )

KAHOKO_HINO

HINO KAHOKO
( la corda d'oro )

ALITTLEEXPOSED

RAKUSHUN
( juuni kokki )

RICTORY

JULIO RICHTER
( marvel 616 )

IS_MORE_SONIC

THERESA ROURKE
( marvel 616 )

DR_IDIOT_CHILD

SIMON TAM
( firefly )

WRIGHTHERE

PHOENIX WRIGHT
( ace attorney )

MENAREBABIES

ANYA
( anastasia )

LEADERMAN

BALTHIER BUNANSA
( final fantasy xii )

CJEFF_MOREAU

JEFF "JOKER" MOREAU
( mass effect )

JOWYATREIDES

JOWY ATREIDES
( suikoden ii )

AMARAAQUILLA

AMARA AQUILLA
( x-men evolution )

INBARRELS

MIGUEL
( road to el dorado )

THISTAILDONTLIE

ZIDANE TRIBAL
( final fantasy ix )

LANCEALVERS

Lance Alvers
( x-men evolution )

SISTERNIGHTINGALE

LELIANA
( dragon age )

SOSIRIUS

Sirius Black
( harry potter )

TIM-BAYLISS

TIM BAYLISS
( homicide )

KIRA_NERYS

KIRA NERYS
( star trek: ds9 )

SOPHIE-ANNE

SOPHIE-ANNE
( true blood )

SWALLOWSIT

BRUCE BANNER
( mcu )

XIAOMEIMEI

River Tam
( firefly )

HANGING-TREE

KATNISS
( hunger games )

SEW-MANLY

KANJI TATSUMI
( persona 4 )

RODNEY_MCKAY

Rodney McKay
( stargate atlantis )

PUN_GENT

KRISTOFF
( frozen )

RAYLAN_GIVENS

RAYLAN GIVENS
( justified )

( coding by whambam )


JOURNALLESS


28 Days Later: Jim
Anastasia: Dmitri
Animamundi: Count Georik Zaberisk
Avatar: Jake Sully
Buffy: Xander Harris
D.Gray-Man: Kanda Yu
DC: Poison Ivy
Dragon Age Origins: Zevran Arainai
Ferngully: Pips
Final Fantasy 8: Seifer Almassy
Final Fantasy 9: Blank
Firefly: Hoban "Wash" Washburne
Heroes: Hiro Nakamura
Inception: Yusuf
King and the Clown: Jangsaeng
La Corda d'Oro: Yunoki Azuma
Magic Knight Rayearth: Fuu
Naruto: Rock Lee
One Piece: Ace
Ouran High School Host Club: Haruhi Fujimia
Pirates of Darkwater: Ren
Pretear: Himeno Awayuki
Ranma 1/2: Akane Tendou
Sailormoon: Seiya Kou/Sailor Starfighter
Saiyuki: Sha Gojyo
Sword of Truth Series; Richard Sypher
Tales of the Abyss: Luke fon Fabre
Weiß Kreuz: Tsukiono Omi & Farfarello
X-Men Evolution: Kurt Wagner/Nightcrawler & Sam Guthrie/Canonball
Zombie Loan: Michiru Kita
zully: ([X-Force] Rictor - WHY AM I AWAKE)
Hello. This is Natalie. I still have this account even though I do not use it ever. I don't even post to LJ anymore. Idek what I am doing. I am bored.

Hello.
zully: ([Pooh] Short fat and proud of that)
Dear Lane Bryant,

Please stop. Just. Stop. My size system does not need to be reinvented. I do not need a scale of 1-8 with a matching color system. I don't even know what a '3 Red' IS. Now, I understand that when numbers get big, people get scared. Lord forbid someone wear a pair of pants in a size that has a number two in front of it. But really? A whole new sizing system?

How about we look at it from your point of view. Let's assume that every woman in the world is mortally afraid of the number inside her clothing (which seems to be what you're going on, so I'm rolling with it). Odds are that this is because she thinks she is fat and hideous, and putting on a pair of pants in a size 22 affirms this. So instead what you've chosen to do is force all these women into having to re-learn what their sizing is based on your system. I.E.; grabbing several pairs of pants, going into a poorly lit dressing room and squeezing into a few while going WHY AM I TOO FAT FOR THESE FML /WRIST before finding the right pair.

Women's clothing is ridiculous enough when it comes to sizing. Do kindly get out.


Regards,
Natalie
zully: ([X-Force] Rictor - WHY AM I NOT ASLEEP)
<___________> + :E + 8D?

○〇O0O0oo <*)) >>=<

That's all I got to say about that.
zully: ([Stock] Tea one up)
Ate South American food. Saw Orphen. We then came back to my place and watched An Evening with Kevin Smith to make me less angry. Baked brownies. Have to be at my mother's house in eight hours.

I am awake at 4:15am. FMLLLLLLLL

But at least my apartment looks snazzy and smells of brownies.
zully: ([Suikoden] Luc - e_e)
HAHA so I lost my drivers license. And my flight is next Thursday. Awesome.

This means I'm officially not going to Otakon. I have to pay off a $400 ticket on my record before I can get a replacement, which I'll be having to use my Otakon cash for. The plus side is I called my air line and hotel and they both told me what I could bring if I didn't have a passport or a license as identification. Thank god I keep a photocopy of my important documents in my file folder at work.

In other news, I......... fell asleep at 9:30pm last night. What the hell, body.
zully: (Default)
Okay, so I surprised myself by actually liking Star Trek to the point where I kind of want to go see it again. So if anyone in Houston hasn't seen it yet, hit me up man. o/

I also just looked over my degree plan, and looks like I may be able to pull off having my Paralegal certification done by the end of Summer. Which means I uh, may be moving out of state at the end of that summer. The only thing I have to look into is how that certification and my other courses translate into an out of state undergraduate degree; I'll have to talk to my councilor.

But the plan, sketchily, is to move there once I've gotten a job secured there, work for a year, then enroll in public college once I've got my in-state residency. Finish my undergrad (I should have less than a semester to do) and then transfer to law school.

/talksforever

IN OTHER NEWS. Gdi Marvel is actually putting out comics that I want to read. I'm going to hold off on new issues today and wait until the weekend since my comic shop is having a sale that includes new issues. I CAN WAIT A FEW DAYS, SELF.
zully: ([Art] Thoughtful)
I........

.. think I might be done with friends locking everything. I'm going to start making a few of my posts public again and see how that goes.

Also, fuck you Vegas / Houston time difference. Auuugh I still have jetlag. MY BODY THINKS IT'S 1AM.
zully: (Default)
28 Days Later
Jim :: [livejournal.com profile] hello0o0o0o0o0

Absolute Obedience
Louise Hardwich :: [livejournal.com profile] louise_hardwich

Anastasia
Dimitri :: [livejournal.com profile] hatestrains
Anastasia :: [livejournal.com profile] eew_stroganoff

Animamundi: Dark Alchemist
Georik Zaberisk :: [livejournal.com profile] count_georik

Avatar
Jake Sully :: [livejournal.com profile] skxawng

Avatar: The Last Airbender
Zuko :: [livejournal.com profile] flexy_fire

Bakuretsu Hunters
Marron Glace :: [livejournal.com profile] apatheticflames

Buffy
Xander Harris :: One-On-One Archived Logs

DC
Poison Ivy :: [livejournal.com profile] ivying

D.Gray-Man
Kanda Yuu :: D.Gray-Man (AU) - [livejournal.com profile] capn_kanda
Kanda Yuu :: D.Gray-Man (Canon) - [livejournal.com profile] kandapwnsyu

Doctor Who
Captain Jack Harkness :: [livejournal.com profile] capn_jack_h

Dragon Age
Zevran Arainai :: [livejournal.com profile] antivanleather

Exiles
Mariko Yashida // Sunfire :: [livejournal.com profile] sunfire_ii

Ferngully
Pips :: [livejournal.com profile] shutupzag

Final Fantasy VII
Aeris Gainsborough :: [livejournal.com profile] masamuned
Seifer Almassy :: [livejournal.com profile] igottadream

Final Fantasy IX
Blank :: [livejournal.com profile] ishootblanks
Zidane :: [livejournal.com profile] thistaildontlie

Final Fantasy XII
Balthier Bunansa :: [livejournal.com profile] leaderman

Firefly
Kaylee Frye :: [livejournal.com profile] alls_shiny
Dr. Simon Tam :: [livejournal.com profile] dr_idiot_child
Hoban 'Wash' Washburne :: [livejournal.com profile] rutting_pilot

Harry Potter
Sirius Black :: [livejournal.com profile] s1riusly
Harry Potter :: One-On-One Archived Logs

Heroes
Hiro Nakamura :: [livejournal.com profile] ooohwaffles

House
Dr. Gregory House :: [livejournal.com profile] dr_cripple

Inception
Eames :: [livejournal.com profile] bloodydifficult
Yusuf :: [livejournal.com profile] ha_bloody_ha

Justified
Raylan Givens :: [livejournal.com profile] raylan_givens

Juuni Kokki
Rakushun :: [livejournal.com profile] alittlexposed

King and the Clown
Jangsaeng :: [livejournal.com profile] jangsaeng

La Corda d'Oro
Yunoki Azuma :: [livejournal.com profile] yunoki_azuma
Kahoko Hino :: [livejournal.com profile] kahoko_hino

The Little Mermaid
Princess Atinna :: [livejournal.com profile] princess_atinna

Magic Knight Rayearth
Fuu :: [livejournal.com profile] windbeneathmy

Mass Effect
Joker :: [livejournal.com profile] computingpi

Marvel 616
Julio Richter // Rictor :: [livejournal.com profile] rictory
Theresa Rourke // Siryn :: [livejournal.com profile] is_more_sonic
Mariko Yashida // Sunfire II :: [livejournal.com profile] sunfire_ii

Naruto
Rock Lee :: Naruto - One-On-One Archived Logs

One Piece
Ace :: [livejournal.com profile] ace_firefist

Original
Raine Featherfall :: [livejournal.com profile] gentledruid
Doyle Dafoe :: [livejournal.com profile] doyle_dafoe

Ouran High School Host Club
Haruhi Fujimia :: [livejournal.com profile] ootorofiend

Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney
Phoenix Wright :: [livejournal.com profile] wrighthere

Pirates of Dark Water
Ren :: [livejournal.com profile] sonofprimus

Pretear
Himeno Awayuki :: [livejournal.com profile] shiori_pretear

Ranma 1/2
Akane Tendou :: [livejournal.com profile] bakanebakabaka

The Road to El Dorado
Miguel :: [livejournal.com profile] inbarrels

Sailormoon
Seiya/Sailor StarFighter :: Sailormoon - Mailing List

Saiyuki
Sha Gojyo :: [livejournal.com profile] therealsmoker

Slayers
Lina Inverse :: [livejournal.com profile] lina_the_pink

Suikoden II
Jowy Atreidies :: [livejournal.com profile] brbbetrayinu

Sword of Truth Series
Richard Sypher :: [livejournal.com profile] veryrareperson

Tales of the Abyss
Luke fon Fabre :: [livejournal.com profile] fon_whinypants

Tangled
Flynn Rider :: [livejournal.com profile] flynn_rider

Torchwood
Captain Jack Harkness :: [livejournal.com profile] capn_jack_h

True Blood
Queen Sophie-Anne Leclerq :: [livejournal.com profile] yahtzee_queen

Weiß Kreuz
Tsukiyono Omi :: [livejournal.com profile] freesia_smiles

X-Men Evolution
Lance Alvers/Avalanche :: [livejournal.com profile] lance_alvers
Kurt Wagner/Nightcrawler :: [livejournal.com profile] evo_kurt
Sam/Canonball :: [livejournal.com profile] evo_sam

Zombie Loan
Michiru Kita :: [livejournal.com profile] y500
zully: (Default)
Apparently this has been up for awhile and no one's bothered to tell me. But since Amanda's ([livejournal.com profile] omichan's) case is still unsolved it's been added to the National Organization of Murdered Children's Database. You can find it here. Her case is case #86.
zully: (Default)
Title: Test Spin
Author: Zully Quirke ([livejournal.com profile] zully)
Pairing(s): Lee/Gaara
Rating: PG
Warnings: Only if you haven't seen the major Gaara fights.
Summary: Probably crack. Lee has the worst luck in the world and Gaara doesn't believe in chance.
Author's Notes: Inspired by a recent "Dare" and "Kiss" challenge I saw posted somewhere. Not necessarily a response to it, just a little crack-y ficlet.


For the sixteenth time that evening he asked himself what he was even doing here in the first place. )

Feedback!

Jul. 8th, 2007 06:18 pm
zully: (Default)
Please leave a comment here if you've had a sales transaction with me! If you have a similar post of your own, feel free to leave a link to it here so that I can do the same for you.

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Zully Quirke // → Natalie

February 2016

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